Well, my warranty ran out today, or Muscles spasms are not the laugh bonanza I thought they'd be

I woke up this morning with what I will call "a profound inability to get up, change position, or otherwise budge without gasp-inducing pain in my hips." After various pills and the application of a heating pad, I spent an hour of so thinking two things...

1. 1) Who is doing all that whimpering?
2. 2) Will my whimpering become so commonplace that Rene eventually forgets to feed and water me as I lay in bed, on the floor, or under the house eating wet cigarettes in the dark like a god-damned dog? A dog with terrific back pain, no less.

We hauled the becrippled old coot (me) to the doctor with only slight intervention from the crane operators repairing the immersion school across the street. All things considered, I will probably not take the time to dig out my 1st grade notebooks and check the box next to "ride in a crane bucket" from the collection of humorous essays "Awesome things I will do when I grow up that will have nothing to do with drug interaction worries or chronic pain management." Crane rides are supposed to be fun and informative, rather than hurried and embarrassing. Also, they should not involve children jeering in both English and beautiful, fluid French unless it takes place in a dream or a wes anderson movie.

The doctor very quickly determined that a muscle, or set of muscles, in my lower back were spasming. I was very relieved at the diagnosis, because it was simple, direct, and not permanent. As the king of worst cases scenarios, I was prepared to have to answer questions like, "Josh, how long have you known about this wiccan ceremonial lance in your kidney?" and "Would you describe the pain as bubonic, septicemic, or vampiric. It's the plague, but we need to determine which one?" so the actual visit was pretty tame. I got a prescription and started taking pills.

I have spent the remainder of the afternoon aching, struggling to stand, and looking up potential interactions between the stuff I was prescribed and the stuff I had in the medicine cabinet that I felt certain would help as well. I am not a medical doctor, but am able to mimic one in my bathroom (and by "in my bathroom" I mean "in a hallucinogenic fog").

Wish me luck. I am planning for the muscle relaxer to peak just as I start my Hendricks and St. Germain IV drip.